Today was a pretty good day. Got to spend time with Arthur cause he’s leaving tomorrow heh and then I bonded with family and such. Nothing really too special, just the way I like it. I drove to Cupertino and back a;faffkfdskjj;a;dljfj AHHHH. But I lived praise the lord. And now I guess I’m going to sit in bed on my iPad and sleep whenever I decide to…I’m such a party animal.
Woah. It’s been a longass time since I’ve felt like this. But it’s a damn good feeling.
merrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh it’s the last day of 2012 so time to make a post i guess
but mostly cause I really have nothing better to do LOL
I have decided break is not all good because I insist on staying up past 4am every night even when I know I have to get up early the next day and staying up past 4am means feelings and feelings means gay.
The thing is, I’m a really stubborn person. I guess I’ve become so confident in myself that I’ve allowed myself to become this stubborn person. I love hearing that I’m right. I hate when people disagree with me. I hate when I lack the words to express my thoughts to explain why I’m right. I get extremely frustrated when people are not on the same page as I am.
It’s fucking weird. It’s not that I’m not open minded. Because I am open minded when it comes to most things. But when I’m SET on something, I’m RIGHT. When I think I’m right, I KNOW I’m right. And there’s really nothing anyone can say or do to change that. I’m ridiculously opinionated and I will fight and fight and fight until I get my point across.
I guess I just get really frustrated when people try to tell me I’m wrong and bring up all these points as to why I’m wrong. But what people don’t understand is that I’m always one step ahead. All those points they bring up, I’ve already thought about them and taken them under consideration. But I get really excited and impressed when people bring up points that I haven’t thought of before. But that rarely ever happens. And so I’m right. I’m always right.
I’m gonna talk about things I want because I feel like talking about things I want
And because I never made a Christmas wishlist I guess
So here is a list of things I want
I miss my best friend a fucking shitload right now.
So it’s been a pretty good day. First day back; it was awesome to sleep in my own bed and shower at home. I hate showering away from home omg. Anyway I bonded with my mom and basically was rolling on the floor laughing for a good half an hour. She’s so funny. Then I FACETIMED WITH ARTHUR WHICH WAS THE FIRST TIME WE’VE FACETIMED IN OVER A WEEK AND HE’S READING A FUCKING BOOK OK ARTHUR OK. LOL okay and then I watched FoOOoOOd Network until Arthur picked me up and WE WATCHED MY FAVORITE MOVIE IN 3D ahh yissss <3 And then I kicked ass in Battleship…as shown on ig. ^__^ ^__^ ^__^
Listening to Taylor Swift while cleaning my room at 1:30am is surprisingly relaxing
It’s almost 5AM and I’ve been on tumblr for the past two hours heh.
First time on the computer or pretty much with internet since Friday. How the fuck am I living….
Anyway, the hotel is pretty nice, but there isn’t free wifi so yeah my life sucks a lot. But I’ve been eating basically all the food I can get my hands on and it’s so freaking yummy ohmygoddd. Been documenting my food adventures on Instagram hehe ^__^
But anyway I really wish I was home…just cause I hate vacations and all and I’m going to get so fat here. Ugh. Starving for 2 months + vacation = 10 pounds. I swear. And it doesn’t help that we’re going to Vegas where the amazing buffets are. Cause I’m not 21 anyway so all I can do there is eat.
Anyway yesterday we spent like 10 hours in the car and I passed the fuck out cause I didn’t get much sleep the nights before. We had Carl’s Jr for lunch and Din Tai Fung and Class 302 for dinner. AMAZING. Socal food is just a;sldkfjal;dskjfas;djf.
Today we went to church and then went to a bar for lunch cause my sister and her husband wanted to watch the Steelers game. Burgers, beer, and football? What has become of my family. Needless to say, I didn’t understand anything…but I know they lost so they were really sad about that. Then we went to this HUGE outlet center with like 150 stores. Crazy. The deals weren’t all that good though. But I finally got a skirt and it was only $5! Anddd I got 2 cardigans, a sweater, and 2 tops. merrrrrrrrrrrh and then we went to this place called Boston Cafe for dinner and I had steak. It was a good ass steak holy shit. It was really big too. But anyway then we went to Half & Half and ordered almost immediately but waited for like half an hour for the drinks to be made. That place is so slow and small and crowded. But it’s okay cause it was worth it! Then we drove all the way back to our hotel only to be locked out of our room for like an hour. This hotel is strugglin. Then I talked on the phone with Sirish for like 2 hours LOL and then I slept and then I woke up at 3 and have basically been on tumblr ever since. I should really go back to sleep though.
I don’t really mind long car rides but I don’t like how they give me so much time to think. I mean I like thinking and all, but not this kind. Idk why I’ve been so moody and emotional and prone to irritation lately but holy crap it needs to stop.
Who the fuck sent me that anon ask? Honestly it’s been bugging me ever since I got it. lololol idk why it seems like such a big deal to me…I guess just cause I don’t hear it often. People come and go in and out of my life all the time and I guess I just haven’t heard anyone tell me they miss me before. That sounds sad and pathetic..lol but I guess it’s true. I can’t help but wonder if it’s you, but it’s probably not. You don’t care about me anymore and I just have to accept that. I mean I guess I have but idk. Past feelings are lingering in my thoughts and I don’t really know how to deal with them. It was so easy for me to hate you and get over you and forget you ever existed. It was one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. I never thought I’d forgive you for what you did or ever forget about the pain you caused me and how much you hurt me and how you betrayed me and how you just left me in the dust. But I forget about those things too easily. I’m quick to forget about the pain but not the times before that. I guess because the pain was only a month but the good times were 3 years. How does that even compare? Sometimes I wish you were back in my life just because our relationship was perfect. Not perfect in the way that it was flawless, but perfect in the way that it was all I wanted. I liked the way we didn’t talk for days at a time but knowing that I could call you at any time knowing you’d be there for me. You knew so much about me, I honestly think you knew me better than anyone else ever did in my whole life. And that’s because I let you know me. I let you learn about me and my life and my family and my academics and my situations and my friends and my passions and my thoughts and my feelings and everything else that came with it. But you learnt me so well. You read me like a picture book and knew practically every inch of me. But I guess that’s when it became unfair. You being such a big part of my life let me rely on you. You were a part of me as a whole. Without you, I wasn’t me. You helped me develop my thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, views, opinions, perspectives, and basically all the things that defined me as a person. But you? All of yours were developed by the time you met me. You were always one step ahead and always had the power over me. And what was I supposed to do with that once you left me? That’s why it was so much easier. And not only that, but for another girl. Don’t you understand how fucking shitty that feels? That those 3 years can just be replaced in an instant. Some other girl can just fill up that space that I took up for all of high school. That’s not even the worst part. Being replaced? I’m used to that. But letting someone get so close to me and almost define me, and then just completely being forgotten about. That hits hard. You were the only person I could completely be myself around because I trusted you. You knew me, and I trusted you to keep me safe. I could be my stupid, girly, crazy, weird, bitchy, caring, annoying, loving, psychotic self around you. 200%. I guess it just goes to show. No matter how much someone may love you at a certain point and no matter how fucking much you love them back, they can turn on you in an instant. They can completely break you. So fuck trusting people. I’m staying guarded. And that’s what’s going to fuck me over in the end.
I don’t think I could ever love again, honestly. Okay no. I mean I hope I don’t mean that…but who knows. I’m so tired of getting hurt, but knowing me, I’ll repeat the same mistake over and over just because that’s what I do. Always. But fuck. I saw myself marrying you. I saw us together in 40 years growing old together. And I thought you did too. What the fuck happened to that?
Sometimes I just really wish you hadn’t fucking done that. But I guess it was inevitable. They always leave. Why would it be different this time?
Nonono. I can’t keep having these thoughts and being negative like this. But it’s so hard. And I just keep having this constant battle in my head.
I just don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable enough around someone ever again. I can’t trust someone completely to not judge me, to accept me, and to love me like you did. People don’t understand. I didn’t care about the dates or the flowers or the presents or the smooth talking or the good morning texts or the pillow talking or any of that. I can easily say that you were a shitty boyfriend to me in that perspective. But that’s not what mattered. We had such a strong, deep connection that I didn’t even care about all those things. I didn’t need that shallow romance. Because what we had was so much stronger than that. And I guess that’s the only reason I accepted it and liked it so much more. Any guy can shower me with gifts and petnames and cute asks and all those things you see in movies. But it takes someone special to shape who I am.
So what am I supposed to do now? I guess all I CAN do is wait until I’m ready…but that’s going to take a long time. I don’t know how long, but probably pretty long. And I hope it comes blindly. Because I’m done trying to force myself to feel things I don’t feel.
Holy shit this was a lot longer than I intended it to be but yay it is now 5:30 and I’m going to sleep.
That’s why we’re best friends. Because not only do you completely recognize my actual desire to make you feel better and help you out, which most people don’t even do, but you reciprocate that care and feeling. Seriously, when I can’t help you, I feel so helpless. And when I’m feeling like shit, you’re just a call away and you say all the right things and you legitimately make an effort to make my day a little brighter. And that’s why you’re my best friend.
thank the lord that stress was lifted off my shoulders. now I just gotta do bio and psych and all will be well.
meerrrrhhhhh two tests tomorrow and a project due Friday. I guess that doesn’t seem like a lot but hooollly I’m stressing out. I guess other things are adding to my stress but yeah. T__T
I just wanna eat, sleep, and work out. I MEAN WORKING OUT IS PRODUCTIVITY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR
and other things are just really complicated. Idk what I think or what I want or what I’m feeling or anything. Everything internal is a complete and total mess right now. I try to act so composed because I guess sometimes I believe that I am….but everything inside is just bouncing off walls.
okay I’m done. merrh.
lol it’s really awk when i’m around religious people and i can’t say atheist things freely LOOOL but it’s so fun so usually i don’t care that much but when it’s my bff then it’s like oh….awk…….